Funny, isn't it? How suddenly you realize something. That feeling of discovering what you've been wondering about for ages is great, yet it leaves you hanging as well. After your epiphany, you are left with the fact that things are going to be different, and that your own personal view, personal philosophy is going to change.
Yea, I'm not talking about realizing that you don't have food in your fridge no more, or that the trash is full, or that you forgot to buy contact solution. I'm talking about deeper stuff, things that will actually affect who you are, and what you will likely do in the future.
(Oh, side note, I just realized there's a Labels tab, haha, I'll start using it now, starting with this post)
It has been 3 days since Summer School began. It's not much time, but I realized that I've discovered a lot more things about myself in these 3 days. Classes have been fine, like any other. Living on campus is pretty much the same, except I am aware that I will move out soon and didn't bring much (that's unfortunate cuz now I gotta buy more things lol). Food has been back to the terrible tasting school food that I now hate that used to be tolerable or even good. Life is back to what it was during the school year, but I've changed. Has the 1 week that I've been home really changed me that much?
I realized that I care a great deal about school, education, and my career than I had originally thought I did. I mean, I always knew that I wanted a good job, make great money, but because I never took things seriously, I wasn't sure if it was just me saying those things, or if I actually cared. Well, now I do. Talking to this nice lady on the plane, while it was just a simple everyday chat, made me start to think of my future. Perhaps it was because we talked about her little daughter, and talking about kids just made me think that, not too far off into the future, I'll be in her chair, telling my own son/daughter that they need to be quiet and not throw things around. We talked about high school reunions, and I finally realized that we are all going on different paths, and that I shouldn't dwell on the past no more. Everyone is going to change, and it is all up to you to decide which way you want to go. For me, I'd like to take life a bit more seriously. Having been somewhat independent (not financially) for one year, I am starting to slowly grasp the life that I am going to live. There is no escape from trouble and problems, you just have to face it. Eventually there will come a point where I make every single decision in my life. While it is what I've always wanted, it is still a scary thought. I think deep down, a part of me just wants others to choose for me so I don't have to myself, even though I usually end up hating their decision. Since coming down here for summer school, I've been more serious about school, even though it is still probably nothing compared to other people. However, I also feel that I'm willing to experience everything that life has to offer for me. My first realization about myself came as a big one, but it will take time for me to adapt to it.
The second realization deals with my emotions. I guess I've always been really expressive with my emotions, and I don't really like to keep things in, but recently I realized that before, I did keep things to myself, at least some things. I never knew I could want someone to be with me this badly, and I never knew that thinking about what might happen, even though it has less than 1% chance of happening could hurt so damn much.
Hearing their disappointed voice pains me as I am in no position to do anything, and I fear just my words won't be enough.
Knowing their sadness and problems takes away my focus on everything else. All I want to do is to help them and fix their problems. To hear their laughter, to see them smile.
It finally hit me that my girlfriend is going to be going to China, and will thus be harder to reach, and it just makes me miss her so so much. Everywhere I go, so many things remind me of her, I wish it would just stop, I wish time can just fly by so I don't have to feel like this no more.
The feeling is indescribable, but whatever it is, it made me realize how much I can care for someone. It's scary, as I feel that they have been granted with this immense power of destroying me if they wanted to. But it's a relief as well because you feel settled, and at ease.
Finally, I realized that I shouldn't look at other people's lives at all. Sure, they're great resources to help you, but something to one person will be another thing for someone else. Everyone has their own opinions on things, and you should just follow your own.
What a terrible blog post, it's too deep. Haha.
1 comment:
I miss you and I care about you as much as you care about me. You hold that same power to destroy me too, and I know it won't be the same with me being in China and I can't just text you as easily when I want to talk to you or know what you're up to or just be in contact with you, but I know we'll find a way to make it work. <3
I hope me being in China doesn't impact your studies, especially when you have such a strong will to try harder in school. I want you to do well. :)
Deep entries are good :P You forgot to sign it "-P."
Post a Comment