Funny, isn't it? How suddenly you realize something. That feeling of discovering what you've been wondering about for ages is great, yet it leaves you hanging as well. After your epiphany, you are left with the fact that things are going to be different, and that your own personal view, personal philosophy is going to change.
Yea, I'm not talking about realizing that you don't have food in your fridge no more, or that the trash is full, or that you forgot to buy contact solution. I'm talking about deeper stuff, things that will actually affect who you are, and what you will likely do in the future.
(Oh, side note, I just realized there's a Labels tab, haha, I'll start using it now, starting with this post)
It has been 3 days since Summer School began. It's not much time, but I realized that I've discovered a lot more things about myself in these 3 days. Classes have been fine, like any other. Living on campus is pretty much the same, except I am aware that I will move out soon and didn't bring much (that's unfortunate cuz now I gotta buy more things lol). Food has been back to the terrible tasting school food that I now hate that used to be tolerable or even good. Life is back to what it was during the school year, but I've changed. Has the 1 week that I've been home really changed me that much?
I realized that I care a great deal about school, education, and my career than I had originally thought I did. I mean, I always knew that I wanted a good job, make great money, but because I never took things seriously, I wasn't sure if it was just me saying those things, or if I actually cared. Well, now I do. Talking to this nice lady on the plane, while it was just a simple everyday chat, made me start to think of my future. Perhaps it was because we talked about her little daughter, and talking about kids just made me think that, not too far off into the future, I'll be in her chair, telling my own son/daughter that they need to be quiet and not throw things around. We talked about high school reunions, and I finally realized that we are all going on different paths, and that I shouldn't dwell on the past no more. Everyone is going to change, and it is all up to you to decide which way you want to go. For me, I'd like to take life a bit more seriously. Having been somewhat independent (not financially) for one year, I am starting to slowly grasp the life that I am going to live. There is no escape from trouble and problems, you just have to face it. Eventually there will come a point where I make every single decision in my life. While it is what I've always wanted, it is still a scary thought. I think deep down, a part of me just wants others to choose for me so I don't have to myself, even though I usually end up hating their decision. Since coming down here for summer school, I've been more serious about school, even though it is still probably nothing compared to other people. However, I also feel that I'm willing to experience everything that life has to offer for me. My first realization about myself came as a big one, but it will take time for me to adapt to it.
The second realization deals with my emotions. I guess I've always been really expressive with my emotions, and I don't really like to keep things in, but recently I realized that before, I did keep things to myself, at least some things. I never knew I could want someone to be with me this badly, and I never knew that thinking about what might happen, even though it has less than 1% chance of happening could hurt so damn much.
Hearing their disappointed voice pains me as I am in no position to do anything, and I fear just my words won't be enough.
Knowing their sadness and problems takes away my focus on everything else. All I want to do is to help them and fix their problems. To hear their laughter, to see them smile.
It finally hit me that my girlfriend is going to be going to China, and will thus be harder to reach, and it just makes me miss her so so much. Everywhere I go, so many things remind me of her, I wish it would just stop, I wish time can just fly by so I don't have to feel like this no more.
The feeling is indescribable, but whatever it is, it made me realize how much I can care for someone. It's scary, as I feel that they have been granted with this immense power of destroying me if they wanted to. But it's a relief as well because you feel settled, and at ease.
Finally, I realized that I shouldn't look at other people's lives at all. Sure, they're great resources to help you, but something to one person will be another thing for someone else. Everyone has their own opinions on things, and you should just follow your own.
What a terrible blog post, it's too deep. Haha.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Starting over
Isn't it funny how after a while, you just get sick of what you have, and all you want is something new? You want to start over, try something else...
Summer's here. School was getting so tiring. I had hardly anything to make me WANT to stay in school. To name a few:
- Getting good grades
- Waiting for summer (Summer's great, but somehow for me I think the anticipation is a better feeling)
- Girlfriend
- Weather
But the idea of having to go to class, feeling bad about skipping class, taking finals, studying, writing essays that you don't understand, is probably the last thing I want to do after 9 months of continuous labor. Come on, it is time to relax, have some fun!
It's easy to say, but doing that is, somehow, a lot different than expected. I arrive home yesterday, tired, and no idea what to do next. Somehow, it just didn't feel like home. Something's missing. I shrugged it off and believed that today would be different. After a good night's rest, some delicious breakfast that I've been craving, I still don't feel any better. Now looking back at the past several hours, I can kind of see why that is...
The food did not taste as good as I thought it would. Sure, it tasted great, but it was still not what I expected it to be. I wasn't as excited, and... idk... everything just didn't fit.
The weather is too summer-like. It's bright and sunny and hot, and somehow, it just still hasn't hit me that summer's started.
Playing games wasn't the same. It was fun, but compared to before, it's different.
Thinking about everything, I can only come to the conclusion that I've grown and changed over the past year. College made it different. Meeting different types of people, doing new things, being independent. It just feels that I shouldn't live in this house with my parents. It just feels that I need to go out and do things. Hanging out with my best friend from high school just makes me feel like a high school student again, but I know I'm not. Doing things with college friends just feels... idk... different. I view them differently as I view my high school friends. Even if they are not more mature, just the physical concept of having met them AT college makes them different. I don't know if this makes any sense or not.
I guess I'm just being really weird right now. Everything is not what I want it to feel like. It just feels like another weekend, and I'll go back to school again next week (well I am, summer school, but that's far far from my mind right now).
*sigh* hopefully China will make it better. A trip to China, seeing relatives, and just being free will make it seem more like a vacation.
That's that, hopefully the rest of the week will be different, this feeling is just weird. Maybe if my parents stop nagging me... hahaha.
- P
Summer's here. School was getting so tiring. I had hardly anything to make me WANT to stay in school. To name a few:
- Getting good grades
- Waiting for summer (Summer's great, but somehow for me I think the anticipation is a better feeling)
- Girlfriend
- Weather
But the idea of having to go to class, feeling bad about skipping class, taking finals, studying, writing essays that you don't understand, is probably the last thing I want to do after 9 months of continuous labor. Come on, it is time to relax, have some fun!
It's easy to say, but doing that is, somehow, a lot different than expected. I arrive home yesterday, tired, and no idea what to do next. Somehow, it just didn't feel like home. Something's missing. I shrugged it off and believed that today would be different. After a good night's rest, some delicious breakfast that I've been craving, I still don't feel any better. Now looking back at the past several hours, I can kind of see why that is...
The food did not taste as good as I thought it would. Sure, it tasted great, but it was still not what I expected it to be. I wasn't as excited, and... idk... everything just didn't fit.
The weather is too summer-like. It's bright and sunny and hot, and somehow, it just still hasn't hit me that summer's started.
Playing games wasn't the same. It was fun, but compared to before, it's different.
Thinking about everything, I can only come to the conclusion that I've grown and changed over the past year. College made it different. Meeting different types of people, doing new things, being independent. It just feels that I shouldn't live in this house with my parents. It just feels that I need to go out and do things. Hanging out with my best friend from high school just makes me feel like a high school student again, but I know I'm not. Doing things with college friends just feels... idk... different. I view them differently as I view my high school friends. Even if they are not more mature, just the physical concept of having met them AT college makes them different. I don't know if this makes any sense or not.
I guess I'm just being really weird right now. Everything is not what I want it to feel like. It just feels like another weekend, and I'll go back to school again next week (well I am, summer school, but that's far far from my mind right now).
*sigh* hopefully China will make it better. A trip to China, seeing relatives, and just being free will make it seem more like a vacation.
That's that, hopefully the rest of the week will be different, this feeling is just weird. Maybe if my parents stop nagging me... hahaha.
- P
Friday, June 5, 2009
And so... I'm back
Memory 2,
Perhaps it is the difficulty of logging onto blogger, figuring out what to say, typing it all out. Or it might simply be due to the fact that nobody reads this that I stopped blogging. No matter, no harm done, nobody knows about this blog anyway. Hopefully in the future it will gain some prominence and gain more readership.
Today's memory, although over 2 years later than my 1st (obviously I didn't keep to my promise of 3-4 entries per week), will address what I think of blogs in general.
While it is true that blogs are meant to be read, I think unless the blog has a specific focus, unless it talks about a point of interest that others might find useful or fun to read about, only your friends who know about the blog might actually read it. Even then, their work, school, family, life will dictate most of their time, and they might not get around to your entries. So then, if you are not one of those fancy bloggers who create blogs that are extremely intelligent, funny, or interesting, what is the purpose?
I think there are many different reasons for this. One, you need a method to express yourself. Even though it might not be heard, at least your voice is out there and that feels better. When you are emotionally stressed, when you are physically incapable of solving your problems, it's much better to talk about it. Without someone to talk to, typing it all out on the internet with no sense of right and wrong gives you this freedom of releasing yourself, your thoughts, your stress. You know those journals/diaries you kept as a child (or even keep now)? They serve the same purpose. For you to write about your daily life, the interesting things; For you to piece together the past few days and collect the events together, and figure out the important things perhaps. Blogging is just another way of doing that. Heck, now that I think about it, I should've done this on livejournal, but I like this format =)
Two, it might be that we just want a method of keeping track of our past. I for one have terrible memory, there's no possible way for me to know what happened a long time ago. Blogging gives us a landmark for us to locate ourselves when we are far into the future. Whenever I go through my Instant Messaging history, I find myself chuckling at the things I did before. Whenever I go to my old accounts of various websites I used to go to, a rush of nostalgia hits me and I can't help but spend several hours reminiscing about my past. Hopefully in this thoughtbook, I can find my old memories and have a fun time reading them.
Perhaps I should start blogging again, I'll see. The sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard combined with the feeling of pressing down different strokes and combinations to form letters on the screen is something I can just do forever. Like playing the piano, it gives me a sense of peace and quiet, and calms myself. Afterwards, everything is just better.
-P
Perhaps it is the difficulty of logging onto blogger, figuring out what to say, typing it all out. Or it might simply be due to the fact that nobody reads this that I stopped blogging. No matter, no harm done, nobody knows about this blog anyway. Hopefully in the future it will gain some prominence and gain more readership.
Today's memory, although over 2 years later than my 1st (obviously I didn't keep to my promise of 3-4 entries per week), will address what I think of blogs in general.
While it is true that blogs are meant to be read, I think unless the blog has a specific focus, unless it talks about a point of interest that others might find useful or fun to read about, only your friends who know about the blog might actually read it. Even then, their work, school, family, life will dictate most of their time, and they might not get around to your entries. So then, if you are not one of those fancy bloggers who create blogs that are extremely intelligent, funny, or interesting, what is the purpose?
I think there are many different reasons for this. One, you need a method to express yourself. Even though it might not be heard, at least your voice is out there and that feels better. When you are emotionally stressed, when you are physically incapable of solving your problems, it's much better to talk about it. Without someone to talk to, typing it all out on the internet with no sense of right and wrong gives you this freedom of releasing yourself, your thoughts, your stress. You know those journals/diaries you kept as a child (or even keep now)? They serve the same purpose. For you to write about your daily life, the interesting things; For you to piece together the past few days and collect the events together, and figure out the important things perhaps. Blogging is just another way of doing that. Heck, now that I think about it, I should've done this on livejournal, but I like this format =)
Two, it might be that we just want a method of keeping track of our past. I for one have terrible memory, there's no possible way for me to know what happened a long time ago. Blogging gives us a landmark for us to locate ourselves when we are far into the future. Whenever I go through my Instant Messaging history, I find myself chuckling at the things I did before. Whenever I go to my old accounts of various websites I used to go to, a rush of nostalgia hits me and I can't help but spend several hours reminiscing about my past. Hopefully in this thoughtbook, I can find my old memories and have a fun time reading them.
Perhaps I should start blogging again, I'll see. The sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard combined with the feeling of pressing down different strokes and combinations to form letters on the screen is something I can just do forever. Like playing the piano, it gives me a sense of peace and quiet, and calms myself. Afterwards, everything is just better.
-P
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